This work is rooted in my own accountability practices

I THOUGHT I WAS A GOOD GUY... THEN #METOO HAPPENED

In the wake of #metoo I participated in a number of men's events and workshops to talk about consent, boundaries, and power. As a self-defense instructor, it felt important for me to lean in. Through these conversations I suddenly saw my past behavior from a different perspective.

I was flooded with shame. I saw all the ways I denied and minimized any feedback from past partners that didn't match my self-image as one of the good guys. 

Over the next few years I took a deep moral inventory as part of my personal reckoning. I discovered three factors present in every instance where I caused harm:

1. I was deeply ashamed of being a sensitive man and I tried to prove my manhood through sexual conquest and holding power over women by lying, withholding information, and being emotionally abusive. 
2. I couldn't admit that I was struggling with anxiety, trauma, and complex PTSD. I minimized the impact of growing up in a family environment of neglect, mental illness, alcoholism, and psychological abuse. 
3. I was unable to access and process my feelings directly. I was desperately trying to hold it together. I could not track how volatile and reactive I'd become.  

This process helped me to see the water I was swimming in: the Dominance game.

I grew up in the nineties. I learned about sex from American Pie. What we used to call "game" I now correctly call coercion.

To come back into integrity required me to completely change the way I approached relationships. 

I learned new skills to talk openly about my behavior with other men, colleagues, and future partners as a living amends. I found community support to help me be accountable for my actions. 

I was surprised to discover that forming deep, intimate friendships with men made it possible for me to be in healthy relationships with women. 

I am indebted to all of the friends, partners, co-facilitators, guides, and teachers who have supported me and continue to support me.